To Service

At this time, that I’m writing this, I am suffering. My mental health is deteriorating and I feel like I’m losing myself. I feel so low and feel like I need someone to talk to. But, seeing as my problems are so tedious, I’d only push those close to me away. It always tend to happen. I don’t know.

I need to serve, and it’s my drug. Both in the abstract/idea realm and the real, physical realm. It feels like we’re all struggling with real-life at the moment. I feel such pain driven by confusion, frustration, misalignment. I sought adventure and deviation and now I’ve found loss. I’m lost. Don’t know how to get back — Don’t know where I’m supposed to go from here.

People seem to continually advocate for submersion and compliance. But I only seek participation. I just want to help and a reason to be alive. A reason to do, a reason to think, a reason to create. Values. I want a mind that focuses on things in the real world instead of just abstract topics. At least finding places that facilitate this. I am God and God is me but I’m not here.

I need to have reasons to go outside. I don’t need to completely live in the city, but give myself opportunities to open my mind. I need a way to function in the city. Why do I want to? I want to have an effect on this planet, and I can’t just do it sitting in my room. I can’t be human by staying in my room. I guess, allowing myself to be flawed.

I need to change my relationship to the environments outside my home and around my home. I need purpose and to feel safe. I need nourishment. It’s hard for me to even feel like I should have emotions. I cherish intuitions but not my emotions or mental health. I just want balance. To explore and to retreat. But what do I have to explore? If my mission is to serve, what’s my bliss? Chasing the sun? I want to be centred. Able to move or stay. Whatever I prefer. I must find my own way of communicating and processing.

I’m sad. I have to expand. I need to change but I don’t know how.

My life is getting reshuffled.

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